"Some women will spread a lie faster and wider than they’d spread their legs. These women are worse than whores. These women are politicians."
"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."
"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."
"Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to contain half of Satan’s DNA."
"I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so I sent it to be dry cleaned."
"I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars."
"Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm."
"It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?"
"Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple."
"My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence."