"Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them."
"The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven's lieutenants."
"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman."
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
"I saw the most beautiful moving painting at the art gallary the other day, but then I realized it was a mirror..."
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."