"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
"Be nice to everyone on your way to the top because you pass them all on the way down."
"There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."
"If you think Independence Day is Americas defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title, hands-down."
"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"Murphy was an optimist."
"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."