"There are worse things in life than death. If you're ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean."
"Every time I hear a song that reminds me of my ex I have a strong erg to punch the radio."
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
"Stop thinking, and end your problems."
"Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot."
"Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself."
"Real men don't wear pink, they eat it."
"Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap."
"I'm not single, I'm just wait for my girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek."
"Never praise a sister to a sister in the hope of your compliments reaching the proper ears."